Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Truth Tuesday

249 this morning! We had a good weekend and I made GOOD decisions, which I felt very proud of. I even hosted a BBQ and baked a chocolate cake and still stayed on task with my eating and exercising. I just kept telling myself to make good decisions, make good decisions, make good decisions...

Today I have an appointment with my trainer and then this afternoon, a treadmill stress test with my cardiologist. We are trying to rule out any heart issues so that we can chalk my occasional twinge of chest pain (not while exercising) to anxiety issues. So fingers crossed there!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

How Did This Happen? (The first of many installments)

One of the things I want to address in this blog (over time,not all at once!) is how on Earth I got to this place of being so overweight, so unhappy, so unhealthy, so addicted to food. I have a lot of issues to work out, and I know that if I don't work on my insides as well as my outsides, I'm doomed to failure - been there, done that. My dream is to be able to afford both the time and money to attend a session with Tennie McCarty at Shades of Hope, but I know we will never be able to afford that and there's no way I could be away from my kids for 42 days - no one to watch them. So I need to work it out myself. And even though I know I have no readers, I thought I would do it here in case it ever helps someone else in my position.

I went out to lunch today with my children's preschool group for an end-of-year party. During the lunch, a friend and fellow preschool mom was talking about her daughter's dance lessons. I've also seen a lot of friends posting their recital pictures of their cutes kids on Facebook lately. All of this has brought back many memories of my dancing days.

I started dance classes at age 4. I am from a small town, where activities for small children were few and far between in the 70s, and I had a relative who taught dance lessons - so it was a natural for my mom to choose to enroll me. I took dance until around 4th grade. And I hated almost every minute of it.

I am not built small. Even as a child and at a "normal" weight, I was just built on a larger frame. I think there is some truth to being "big boned" sometimes. At any rate, I was not built on a dancer's frame, and it was obvious during dance classes. My classmates were all smaller than I was, and many made a point of pointing that out (even before I started becoming overweight!).

By the time I was approaching puberty - 8, 9, 10ish, I had begun gaining weight. I remember feeling HUGE even though when I look at pictures now, I see I was not the size I felt I was. I grew breasts before other girls and at dance class; that was particularly hard. I had now passed into being "chubby" and the comments were terrible - and not just from classmates, also from dance teachers. I wasn't chosen for the "star" dances. I was ridiculed during costume fittings. I felt worthless. During our annual pictures, where they would haul out a variety of costumes for kids to put on for photographs, there would be one or two outfits to fit me. I often faked illness to get out of dance class, or "forgot" key elements of our practice clothes at home so that I would have to sit out of class.

I endured a lot of teasing and honestly what I would call bullying. And because it was a small town, many of these dance class girls were also classmates at school. The longer it went on, the uglier and fatter I felt - and the more I turned to food for comfort. A vicious cycle.

I was finally allowed to quit dancing in 5th grade and I was so thankful. I still carry scars from that time in my life and as such can't even comprehend enrolling my daughter in dance lessons. I know my mom has no idea how unhappy I was - she was just doing her best and spent lots of money for me to have dance lessons. She couldn't have anticipated the hell that awaited me nor did I ever discuss it with her. I was embarrassed - of the teasing, that it bothered me, and of my weight.

I think my mom has an inkling now of how much I hated it - I expressed joy when the director of the dance center I went to died (she was hateful, awful, and looked down her nose at me for so many years.) I was happy to hear that the lead teacher of my classes went through a bitter divorce and is living a sad life in that same small town. Even the star teacher, who went to New York and danced in some music videos, etc., is still just a nobody - and too old to get famous off her good looks and dance moves now. My relative who taught dance at this same school is still a world class witch and preaches her gospel on Facebook daily, but she's not fooling me. I was there. I am not proud of feeling this way about all of them, but I have to admit that I do feel this way.

What's sad is that I love the act of actually dancing. But I can remember that dancing school was where I was first called fat. And I wasn't, at that time. But I am now. It's time to heal and let it go.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I made it through the weekend with minimal damage. I worked out with my trainer this morning and did not vomit. I did cardio after the strength training with the trainer and while sweaty, felt strong and proud of myself.

Baby steps!

Tuesdays will normally be my weigh-in day, but my trainer didn't weigh me today
because we got involved in a conversation and then forgot! I will weigh in first thing
in the morning. But in the future - Truth Tuesday will be bringing the nitty gritty numbers, good or bad!

Truth Tuesday: 253.5 Not as much lost as I had hoped, sadly. Have to keep on keeping on.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


I'm having a hard time today. I don't feel well. I just want to eat. I am tired. Blah blah.

Friday, May 20, 2011

How Much Can I Sweat?

I did my first group fitness class today, something called Flirty Girl Fitness. I was a bit apprehensive because really, I am neither flirty nor much of a "girl" anymore at 36, but I went because I know the instructor (an acquaintance) and thought it might be fun. And it was! However, I learned that I hate to look at myself. The room is lined with mirrors and I just kept my eyes on the instructor the whole time because whenever I caught a glimpse of myself, I cringed.

However, I made it through the whole workout and though drowning in my own sweat, really enjoyed it. I will definitely attend again next week.

On the diet front, I have been eating fairly well this week. I am trying to eat whole foods and to listen to my body. I have failed miserably on every "diet" I've ever been on, so I am trying to follow my trainer's suggestions and just eat reasonably, eat varied foods, get plenty of vegetables and lean protein, and drink plenty of water. That seems doable.

FYI, Tuesdays will be my weigh-in day here on the blog. I am interested to see what the scale says next Tues!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Pain, The Pain!

I am so sore today. Like, can't sit down on the toilet without bracing myself, can't walk up and down stairs without wincing, SORE SORE SORE.

I consider this a good sign!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Intimately Acquainted with the Gym Toilet

I had my first appointment with my personal trainer today. It was tough. I have never done anything like this before - previous weight loss attempts have almost always just been due to diet changes and slight exercise like walking. I have never really done weight training or had any assistance figuring out what I should be doing.

I had no idea what to expect. Well, let me tell you - it was really tough. He pushed me. I thought my arms were going to collapse at one point. And then after it was all over and we were sitting and discussing my nutrition guidelines, etc....I had to run for the bathroom to puke. How glamorous.

I have to admit that at that point, hugging the porcelain bowl at the gym, I thought "ok, personal training is not for me." I can't fathom being in that much distress on a weekly basis. But once I had puked and calmed down a bit, I knew I'd made the right decision to have a personal trainer. I need help. We will meet 1 or 2 times per week - more frequently in the beginning and then less as I get my feet under me. Because I am so ignorant about the various machines and muscles and how to work them, I feel like this is imperative. The trainers say 12 months from now I will be a different person. Fair enough. I just hope I don't have to puke every time. I will admit that I am intimidated by the training process but I think I need this to push myself.

Monday, May 16, 2011

The beginning

I would love to tell you that I became overweight because of having 2 kids, or being on anti-anxiety meds, or because of my polycystic ovaries, or various other reasons. But the fact of the matter is this: I have been overweight since I hit puberty. Whatever the excuse for the 256 pounds I currently weigh, the reality is that I am fat, period.

I have the power to fix that, and I need to. This is my Fat Chance. I'm afraid if I don't get my proverbial shit together, I am going to kick the bucket long before I'm ready.

What's my plan? TO STOP EATING ALL THIS CRAP. To move. To live. I just joined a gym. I have an appt with a trainer in the morning. I will eat more salad and fewer french fries.
Come along for the journey. I'll need the company.