Confession

I'm going to confess something terrible. Ready? I miss binging. I really do. I miss being able to thoughtlessly eat and eat and eat. I miss the full feeling. I miss the way my mind would get quiet during a binge. I miss all of it.

I realized this today when I was having lunch with the family. The kids wanted pizza, so we went to our favorite place. I had a side salad, a water, and a slice of Hawaiian. And to be honest, I wanted to eat every slice in that store.

It's so weird to realize that really, I have been addicted to food. Or really, that I AM addicted to food.

Anyway, I didn't binge. I made good decisions. I did 30 min on the elliptical and did strength training for arms/shoulders today. I felt capable and like I knew what I was doing.

But I still miss binging.

A nugget of wisdom from RuPaul

From RuPaul's Twitter today, a nugget of wisdom that really made me stop and think:

Imagine yourself in the future looking back at yourself today - See how smart beautiful & fortunate U are & all the options U have

Truth Tuesday

By some miracle, I stayed steady at 249 for the past 2 weeks in spite of so much weirdness going on. I am sad that I lost 2 weeks during which I could have been making progress, but I will take it!

Back - Finally!

So I was on vacation for a week. I biked, I swam, I walked, and I ate appropriately. I was very proud of myself. And then at the tail end of my vacation, I got a kidney stone - a BAD one. I have had 5 in my life thus far and this one was SO bad that I landed in the hospital for a bit. Whew. I was so glad that was over.

We came home from vacation and I still wasn't feeling 100% but chalked it up to kidney stone recovery. Wrong! I had a giant ovarian cyst and was doubled over in pain from that.

Needless to say, I have been on a boatload of pain and nausea meds between the kidney stone and the cyst, and have not been working out. I am still not up to snuff but went back to my trainer last Thurs and back to my fitness class last Friday. It was ROUGH.

Because I have been feeling so crappy I have been eating badly, too. Not eating breakfast and then eating too much for lunch. Or not eating all day and then eating at bedtime, etc. I just have not been myself. I will be so glad to be feeling back to normal again.

Anyway, all that to say - 1) I'm BACK! and 2) I dread stepping on the scale tomorrow, but them's the breaks! See you then for the moment of truth - I am sure I have gained and I am also sure I will want to kick myself in the butt.

Outta Here!

I went to my group fitness dance class this morning and did so much better than last week. I only botched a handful of moves and actually mustered the courage to look at myself in the mirror. Awesome. Baby steps!

In sadder news, my instep of my right foot is killing me. Dr. Google has informed me it might be Plantar Fascitis. If this pain keeps on I will likely have to see someone soon about it so that I can at least get some advice about what makes it worse and what is better for it.

Just a quick note to my 3 readers (if that many!) that I am on vacation until 6/11 and while I will have access to a computer sparingly, I am not planning on using it. I am looking forward to sun, sand, the fitness room at the resort, and yummy seafood that has not been fried or dipped in butter.

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend and week and see you when I'm tanner!

I am in Misery...

While I was working out with my trainer this morning, that Maroon 5 song came on with the lyric "I am in misery" - talk about prophetic! I had to meet my trainer about 2 hours earlier than normal today due to scheduling issues, and wow did I pay the price. I don't think my blood sugar was good, and I don't think I was hydrated enough. I felt fine during the workout - in fact I was super proud of myself because I pushed HARD through some serious pain. There were a couple of reps that I just knew I couldn't finish, but I did.

However, as soon as I finished, cooled down, and went to pick the kids up from childwatch I was hit by wave after wave of nausea. I got the kids back to the car and sat down, drank some water and ate one of those mini Luna bars. We were scheduled to be at the auto dealership and so I needed to motor, so I figured I would power through it. WRONG! As I pulled off the exit for the dealership it was all over - I grabbed the only thing within reach - a re-usable grocery bag - and, uh, let's just say it won't be re-used ever again.

I felt really bad for another 30 min or so - not a good recovery. I am going to mention it to my trainer next time so I can get some feedback. Did we push too hard today? Did my breakfast just not have time to absorb and get my blood sugar stabilized? Whatever the issue, I want to solve it. I hate the feeling of nausea - it's so crummy. And it makes me nervous about doing my strength training, which sucks because I know it's crucial for my progress.

All in all, not the world's best morning!

Edited to add: the afternoon definitely picked up, as I received my stress test results and everything showed as AOK. That is great news and I feel anxiety just dripping away knowing that my heart is healthy despite what I have put it through for 36 years!

Good Decisions!

One of the things I am trying to do every day is make GOOD decisions, one at a time.

Today, I took my kids to a waterpark all by myself. You're not allowed to bring in food, but they have nothing there that's remotely something I would want to waste calories on. So I snuck a Luna High Protein bar in and had that for lunch while the kids had hot dogs. A good decision! I was proud of myself. And then when I got home mid-afternoon, I had an apple and some string cheese. And you know, I felt soooo much better than I would have if I had eaten a burger and fries.

I would feel bad about sneaking the food in, but how hard is it for them to serve a salad, or a fruit salad, or yogurt, or ANYTHING besides hot dogs, burgers, pizza, and fries? Honestly, I felt guilty feeding my kids that crap, too, but there were just no decent choices - not even a grilled chicken sandwich or something. At any rate, I have to admit that the french fries the kids ate smelled wonderful, but I stuck with it. I also took advantage of the free ice water the waterpark will give you if you ask, because it was 100 degrees here today! Holy crap that is HOT!

I am going to contact the waterpark and ask about healthier choices - maybe there's another snack bar in another location with better options. We will be spending a lot of time there this summer (season passes!) and I would like to feed us all wisely.